Working It

I have recently started a new job at Dollar Financial Group working in collections. I am a collection officer on Cash til Payday loans. Or, in layman's terms, I call people all day that borrowed money from my company and try to get them to pay their stinking debts. I like to think of myself as a cronie of sorts, using verbal gymnastics and unspecified threats to convince the sorry debtors to give my boss da money. Not surprisingly, my job has a high turnover rate; I guess getting yelled at, hung up on, and bonding with answering machines is not every one's idea of a good time. I've been surprisingly entertained by it though, I see it as a kind of sociological study--I am exposed to a whole other side of the socio-economic spectrum the likes of which I never found in my upper-middle class neighborhoods and schools. For instance (and this is really very factual), I never actually thought there were that many people named Shaniqua out there.
The wide variety of names, answering machines, and occasional vulgarity keep me entertained, and when that gets old, I console myself with crossword puzzles and sudoku games. Much of my day is spent on hold at businesses and leaving messages, and I have become intimately acquainted with every answering service, call screening device, and disconnected number message out there. It is slightly disconcerting when I catch myself having actual conversations with machines, but I brush it off as boredom and hope it doesn't turn into anything that will be expensive to fix with a therapist.
I thought I would share with you all a couple of my favorite calls thus far, which I have recreated below to the best of my ability:
1. Subtlety's Overrated
ring ring ring
Bob: (we'll call him Bob to protect his real identity, which I don't know anyway) Hello?
Me: Hi I'm looking for Shwanda.
Bob: Hold on a second, I'm just comin in the house, I'll see if she's there.
In the background, perfectly audible to me:
Bob: Shwannndaaa!
Shwanda (presumably): who is it?
Bob: Dollar Financial
Shwanda: WHO?
Bob: (in an exaggerated tone) DOLLAR. FINANCIAL.
Shwanda: Hang up!
Bob: What?
Shwanda: hang up!
Bob: WHAT?!
Me: She told you to hang up.
Bob: uh, hold on a sec
CLICK.

2. Past Your Expiration Date
ring ring ring
Joe: Hello?
Me: Hi, joe?
Joe: What? Speak up, I can't hear you!
Me: Joe, this is Lanee from Dollar Financial
Joe: From what? (clearly strained on hearing)
Me: Dollar Financial, it's about loan mart, you owe $315, it's 189 days past due
(Joe can't hear and hands the phone to his wife)
Wife: Hello?
Me: I'm calling about loan mart
(the phone switches hands again)
Joe: How do you know I owe that?
Me: Because I work for the company
Joe: How late did you say?
Me: 189 days
Joe: 189 days?! No wonder I don't remember it!
(at some point during this call I look at Joe's birth date and realize he is 85 years old)

3. Answering Awesomeness
Just a little sampling of my favorite answering machines, in case anyone needs any suggestions:

• Gospel singing, American Idol audition style
• Really obnoxious couples answering in unison with a perfectly choreographed message in which each has separate lines as well as lines they pronounce together in a sing-songy voice
• Everyone in the south that says "have a blessed day" at the end of theirs (which is everyone)
• Scripture recitation (again, mostly in the South)
• Apocalyptic warnings (apparently these people didn't expect to have to pay back these loans....)
• Really loud rap songs about having a lot of money (clearly not accurate representations of their lives)
• kids that you can't understand which basically translates into undecipherable babbling
• Fat Albert impression